Beginnings

My mind raced as the tempo of my heart began to increase. My palms began to sweat and I felt lightheaded. My body felt like it was in the middle of an intense cardio workout, but I was just sitting in my kitchen. I could feel the fear rising within me, and the only thing I could think to do was go to my bedroom and lay on the bed and breathe, which is what I did. I thought I was dying, and the fear of not knowing what was going on led to one thought, "God please help me." I was having a panic attack. 

I laid there for an hour and the only thing that helped my heartrate and breathing slow was thinking about heaven - paradise with the Lord. 

This time last year, I was just beginning to walk through one of the hardest seasons of my life. After so many life transitions (marriage, moving, new job, and new community), my mind and body were on overdrive, and it lead to a season of internal and external anxiety which led to a rapid decline in my mental and physical health. Months of stomach issues, doctors visits, panic attacks, misdiagnosis of issues, and medications later, my stomach doctor found that what I actually had was an acute case of gastritis caused by internal stress and anxiety. 

I was relieved to find out the root cause of my symptoms - anxiety that had led to gastritis, but long before I was physically healed the Lord started spiritually healing me. 

That day that I laid on my bed and thought about heaven in the midst of a panic attack was a turning point for me. It was the moment my mind realized that my body and soul were longing for an eternal home, where the sufferings of this world would not longer affect me. That day, which actually was Valentine's Day, was the day I started truly longing for home.